in every direction
in which i finally speak on daydreaming (sort of)
On my way to work each morning, I have 23 minutes to think. I queue up five songs that will carry me through the traffic lights to my job, and my thoughts tag along. I question whether I was acting weird in the grocery store, I wonder how my old friends are doing, and most of all, I daydream about all the other things I could be doing.
My mind is a play place and I fall down on the playground a lot. I like creating things. I write and draw and crochet and take photos of everything that offers me joy. Sometimes it feels like the gateway between the conversations with myself and the rest of the world. It lets forth the thoughts that play tag through my brain, chasing themselves across the bridge.
Creation is something I dream of doing forever. It’s something people have been doing since forever. Through music, art, and the little moments. Kicking your feet through the air when the chair is too high. Throwing a penny in the fountain. Making a real, honest wish everytime you blow out your birthday candles. Following the moon home. Ok maybe I’m going on a tangent.
A few weeks ago, I went to the Cleveland Museum of Art and I nearly broke down in tears while walking through an exhibit of Greek vases. They were just vases. Big ol’ pots with intricate drawings on them, telling a story. How is it possible that humans have been around for thousands of years, across hundreds of cultures and yet we still remain united through this urge to create art and connect with others?
Traversing through the halls of that museum, I trekked through centuries of feelings, desires and statements. I saw myself in the portraits of women from hundreds of years ago. I saw my home through the contemporary lens of a landscape canvas. Museums remind me of just how much is out there to see and feel and experience. By venturing into the cavernous halls of the past, I see just how brightly sunlit the future is before me.
And yet, I stay here.
I’ve been feeling stuck more often than not, lately. Don’t get me wrong, I am content here. I love my people, my routine, my coffee shop of choice just a few minutes away. But as I back out of my driveway and head out on my 23 minute commute, I have this sudden urge to flee, every time. What if I drove up to the Canadian border? Fled into the Appalachian mountains, or found a way to get to the Atlantic ocean in time to watch the sunset?
There’s too many places, too much to do, too many directions I could take. I’m overwhelmed when I think of all the people I want to be, all the things I want to experience. The hourglass is running out, I’m 22 and but I can’t make up my mind.
I see myself everywhere. I see myself in New York, sipping cocktails after work. I see myself across Europe, soaking up knowledge in museums and trying new foods. I see myself returning to Seoul, living side by side with the coolest person I’ve ever met. I see myself in the city just an hour away from my small town, living modestly but happily in a vibrant place that’s still close to my family.
I see myself everywhere. I want to go everywhere, in every way, and it leaves me overwhelmed from the sheer number of possibilities. How do I achieve everything I want when I don’t even know where to start?
I’m stuck, but mostly because I’m paralyzed in my own indecision. It probably has to do with my worries and my commitment issues, but I can’t seem to choose what I want to do, so I inevitably fall into the first thing that sits in front of me. So I stay here, for now.
I like it here– it’s comfortable in this place where I recognize the seasons of change, even as they slowly unravel as global warming progresses. I know that when I’m here, I can daydream and ponder my future within the safety net of the past, in the place I grew up. But am I really living if I’m just thinking of the many things I want to be doing, now and in the future?
I stay in my mind because it’s a safe place for me. It’s a known commodity. I don’t have to worry about what someone is going to say in response to my conversation, because the actors are just two voices in my head. If I stay inside, I won't vomit before that first date. I won't hyperventilate outside of the Taylor Swift concert. I won't fall to pieces from exhaustion when I get lost in a foreign city all on my own.
But it’s not enough. A long time ago, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do things alone. It’s a brave thing to do, to go out to eat, visit stores, travel across the world by yourself. But I’ve become so fiercely independent and stuck in my brain and it’s waning on me. What if I do want someone across the table from me, making me nauseously anxious yet filled with a rush of excitement? I want to be brave in new ways. I could do it, I know that. I simply move in static, refusing to offer myself the chance.
I get it, I’m a chronic overthinker who would likely benefit from therapy and I morbidly dredge my emotions for writing material that inevitably never sees the light of day. I’ve been stuck inside so much that I’ve become lodged within my brain matter, pushing on the comfortable and easy confines of mundane life that I let myself slip into.
But where do I go from here?
I see within my mind’s eye, a vision of myself in every possible location, every possible lifestyle. The urge to leave and discover the possibilities consumes me, but will I ever actually leave, when I’m not sure where to go? Stuck in this place, it feels like this is all I’ll ever know, despite the visions I crave.
I think everyone dreams of escaping their current situation, just a little bit. I never used to dream of New York, but I’ve been thinking a lot about taking the subway and navigating through concrete blocks and dragging groceries up flights of apartment stairs. It feels possible for me, but still so out of reach. It sets a fire within my bones before the practicality throws ice on the thought.
Nevertheless, I see myself being happy there, like anywhere else. I want to discover myself in new places, new people, new experiences. It feels like I’ll never get that sometimes, set upon the routine existence I’ve constructed around myself.
Will I ever be happy or do I stay here in control and comfort, mildly miserable because its safer here than trying?
I drive home. It’s another 23 minutes. Five different songs. I ponder what I want to do with my limited free time this evening but I’m tired and will likely just watch TV. I just want to be out there. Somewhere. But my energy is misplaced and I want everything in every direction so how am I to choose?
And so I stay here, paralyzed in the comfort of indecision that makes me feel slightly insane. I’ve got time, even if it feels like I’m wasting it. I will continue to write and draw and crochet and find joy in the mundane, and one day, I’ll finally set out and see if I can really be something in the real world.
I have a job and I’m saving money and I am getting my feet wet, slowly but surely. I’m taking my time, at my own pace, but one day I will let myself pick a direction and then another and then another. I’ll run if I have to, reaching to visit every dream if I can.
But until I get to the next place, wherever that may be, I still have my daydreams to sustain me. I’ll conjure up ideas and visions that occupy the commute to and from my office job, until I finally set out, pick a place and I finally wake up.
feb. 27, 2024 at 9:45 p.m.
“idk i think i just need to write all my stupid feelings and then i’ll feel better. get it out and maybe burn the page and be able to let go”
march 5, 2024 at 12:38 p.m.
“wanting to go in every direction leaves me paralyzed at the starting line. how do i achieve everything i want when i don’t even know where to start?”
“Slowly, he started to understand how shuttling between two worlds - floating among her clouds of thoughts and grounding herself in reality - enriched her life. Yeongju’s ways started to rub off on him. Something seemed to lie at the end of his stretch of thoughts. Something vast, like a dream. Not the kind synonymous with goals and aspirations, but something more nebulous; like what motivated the man in the story to take the train to Portugal and never return. He wasn’t sure if the man would find happiness or suffering at his destination, but he was sure that life was going to change completely for him. Wasn’t that sufficient? To live a life completely different from the present. For those who dream of a brand-new tomorrow, the man’s future is a dream come true.” — page 33
Welcome to the Hyunam-dong Bookshop by Hwang Bo-reum, translated by Shanna Tan
I’ve read 10 books so far this year! I love libraries!!! (and reading books about libraries and bookshops and the power of reading)
see also: The Bridge Kingdom was the fantasy book of my dreams. Crying in H Mart changed me on a viseral level. Devoured Caraval in a day.
check out my instagram!!! i’m actually using this account and posting my crochet, collages, photos, etc etc!! love :)
this feels kinda rocky and kinda nothing, but it’s something!! i finally wrote something!!! like every other time i post, i’m gonna promise to come back sooner. maybe this time i’ll actually stick to it. i have a lot to say, and i’m working through it, trying to be consistent. maybe someone else will get something out of all the words in my brain. i feel like the lonliest girl in the world sometimes and then i feel like a stupid person because that can’t even statistically be true. so here you go world! do you relate to me yet?
— Em